I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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