I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
