Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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