I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
