dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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