my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
