census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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