so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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