hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
