I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
