How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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