I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
