All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
