Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
