At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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