Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
