Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
