Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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