I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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