I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
