one two three fourrrrnication!
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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