really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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