What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
