Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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