I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
