I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
They are going to name an STD after you.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
