just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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