I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
