I think I died a long time ago.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
