Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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