Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
