Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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