My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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