i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
