Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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