I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
They are going to name an STD after you.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize