Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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