I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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