Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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