now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
