i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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