my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
