christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
