i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
