I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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