thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
