she looked like the before picture.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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