No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Dick very happy bro
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
