dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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