apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
