My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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