he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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