I want to make a zoo with you.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
