i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
