Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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