i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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