and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
