K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We had sex on a dog bed..
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
