unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
so much tequila, so little girl.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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