She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
