please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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