I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
