i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
