The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
