i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
