remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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